January 13, 2015 Burger, Glasgow 18 Comments

Exterior

Exterior

My second trip to Glasgow’s new “burger corner”, following the dubious delights of the Handmade Burger Company, was to Five Guys. Packing a confident swagger, the place was very busy when I joined the queue of hungry punters.

Service is fast food counter style. The large open kitchen holds a veritable pantomime of kitchen capers with workers bawling at each other over loud music, while a manager humourlessly urges them on to greater speed of preparation. It’s a truly gruesome sight and just about the least customer-focussed experience I can recall being subjected to in any dining establishment.

Godverdomme!

Godverdomme!

I was tempted to turn tail and leave, and on reflection that’s exactly what I should have done.

At the counter, I ordered a cheeseburger and fries. There was a very unclear mention of various additional toppings, but I looked clueless leading the counter man to conclude I meant no toppings, which was fine.

Burger

Burger

I then had to watch as things were prepared in the slave galley, then another shouty person bawled out that my order was ready. I took a seat in the window and unwrapped things.

The squidged burger looked quite forlorn. The foamy sesame bun encased two small burgers with some plastic cheese in between. It was hard, tasteless and entirely devoid of charm. It was almost unbelievably shite.

Interior shouting parlour

Interior shouting parlour

In contrast, the fries were really pretty good, but it was baffling to spot a sign proudly proclaiming that the potatoes were from the Netherlands. Good job on the commitment to local produce, folks.

The queue was every bit as long when I left. I was sorely tempted to stop people and point them elsewhere, such was the level of disappointment I’d experienced.

So overall, Five Guys was staggeringly poor. I’m struggling to think of more dismal dining experience in all my quests. The fare on offer was over-priced fast-food-chain abject misery. If I really wanted to pay for the pleasure of watching Glaswegians (or folks from any other place, for that matter) shout at each other, I’d rather take my chances in one of the city’s fine drinking establishments during a spirited sporting occasion. Avoid.

I ate: cheeseburger, fries

I wore: stripes

Total bill: Β£10.75

Five Guys on Urbanspoon

Written by BKR